Sunday, April 10, 2005

The Star Wars odyssey - 50 years into the future

"George Lucas announced that he'll convert all six 'Star Wars' movies to 3-D and re-release them one per year starting in 2007."
2005-04-10 / Knight Ridder / By Mark Bazer

In addition to the 3-D versions, the following is the "Star Wars" re-release schedule for the next 50 years:

2014: "The Empire Strikes Back" is re-released with all footage of Harrison Ford as Han Solo digitally removed. This necessitates certain plot changes. For example, instead of Han Solo being frozen, the film's climax has Darth Vader filling up an ice-cube tray.

2015: To ensure the films remain packed with the most state-of-the-art technology, all six "Star Wars" movies are re-released with new scenes featuring C-3PO bickering with the Sharper Image Faux Suede OttoMan 2.0 Human-Touch Calf and Foot Massager.

2017: "Star Wars" is re-released in an environmentally friendly version: The gas-guzzling Millennium Falcon is replaced by a Toyota hybrid Prius, the locale of the trash-compactor scene is changed to a recycling center, and the legion of Storm Troopers are replaced by college kids with clipboards badgering people to give money to Greenpeace.

2018: After breaking into Mike Nichols' home, Lucas re-releases "Attack of the Clones" incorporating the nude footage of Natalie Portman cut from "Closer."

2019: Peeved that "Titanic" is still the top-grossing movie of all time, Lucas replaces John Williams' "Star Wars" score with a continuous loop of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."

2021: Deciding to have Yoda reject the concept of the Force in favor of Kabbalah in "Attack of the Clones," Lucas digitally adds a red-string bracelet to the Jedi master's left wrist.

2025: He hardly cares what you think now, and he'll care even less in 2025: Lucas re-releases "Return of the Jedi" with every character dressed in the bikini Princess Leia wore at Jabba the Hut's place. Including Jabba.

2030: "The Empire Strikes Back" is re-released 100 percent in its original form, with the exception of a one-second scene featuring 350 new characters standing around in an intergalactic tavern chatting idly. (Action figures available from Hasbro.)

2032: Worried that people now view the kiss on the lips in "Stars Wars" between siblings Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker as incestuous, Lucas digitally inserts himself in Luke's place.

2034: Concerned that the quality of the acting wasn't quite how he'd initially envisioned it in the first trilogy, Lucas re-releases "Star Wars," "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi" with Mark Hamill replaced by Jared from the Subway commercials.

2037: To booster his claim that he's an independent filmmaker, Lucas re-releases "Return of the Jedi" with a new 30-minute subplot of Han Solo and Chewbacca tasting wine, meeting women and enjoying each other's company on a trip through the Santa Barbara wine country.

2041: While denying he's privy to any percentage of the merchandising profits, Lucas re-releases "The Empire Strikes Back" featuring a scene of Boba Fett announcing he's quitting the bounty hunter life and then whipping up a batch of Hasbro Easy-Bake My Little Pony cookies.

2048: Thanks to new holographic technology, "The Phantom Menace," "Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith" are re-released in versions that allow Jar-Jar Binks to sit next to theatergoers and talk over all the scenes he's not in.

2055: The 111-year-old Lucas, realizing that all special-effects, 3-D and actors of any sort have diluted his original vision, re-releases "Star Wars" now simply featuring himself shouting out random lines from the script as he's fitted for a straightjacket.

Tribune Media Services

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