It’s that time of year again where we have to decide, “Will this be another year where we go hang out with family during the holidays and slowly learn to hate ourselves?” To try to figure out exactly what is wrong with our family gatherings I’ve decided to do a little biological classification of the family members.
familia necrotoxinae – I think that this woman probably exists in every family. She’s poison. She might even kill you with kindness at times, but you always know that her endgame is all about the "kill you" part.
familia unreliabilum – They're late. They borrow 50 bucks. Everyone has this sibling/uncle/aunt/cousin. They are just sure that with a little help from you they will get their life together. You stopped believing that some time (and dollars) ago.
familia imperiousum – You know that they can't believe that they are related to the rest of the family. Hell, you can't believe you're related to these people either, but at least you don't have your nose stuck in the air about it. One year you promise yourself you're going to dip a little too deep into the spiked eggnog so that you have an excuse to call them a supercilious asshole. (Or a stuck-up bitch. Your call.)
familia bellicosum – They want to turn everything into a fight. One year you're just sure that the whole holiday will turn into a bloodbath. Sometimes your only defense is to retreat to the bathroom for an inordinate amount of time and wait for another family member to distract them. Some day you may find out whether you can get out that bathroom window and down to the car before anyone notices.
Those are the ones who come to mind. I'm sure as Thanksgiving approaches I will have other revelations...